Post title.

                              Things are finally starting to look up. I wonder how long it may take to find a portion of myself. I think all day long, long thoughts, goals with indefinite ending dates, and goals I have reached. I do not need any longer to surround myself with false premise on who I am, what I want or who I want to be. Let me introduce myself. Kelsey Mckenzie Leigh Duncan. I live in an overly-priced neighborhood that, at times, seems to be more of a cult than a living environment. My bedroom walls are an off white covered in photos a few paintings and the rest is actually a tad bleak to my likings. The current state of my bedroom is a tsunami of clothing, trash, school supplies and a few personal items from an old relationship. I sleep with my mother in the guest bedroom across the hall, and my interpretation of why I do this is simple. At nights, I am at my loneliest, usually left to thought I drift off in a range of "could-haves' to should-haves' to would-haves'" Which in my case, are dangerous territory. Things I may mention in this will seem unnecessary but in my opinion are needing to be released and talked about. In the long run, I am aware none of this matters in the least bit. Hell, none of my living matters. I am a space, an object, and a contribution to this planets failure. My English is very weak, and my thoughts sporadic. I do not believe in Religion. I was born to a Catholic father and a Christian mother and have never had beliefs shoved down my throat so I do not intend to shove mine down anyone elses. I will however, express myself and I do believe that Religion is the largest barrier in the world. We can and do get through language barriers, but most cannot find a way to come together through a wall of an invisible man. Moving on, I am an extremely sexual person in nature. I enjoy sex, and I enjoy touching and being touched, although my last two partners have left me extremely unsatisfied as I assume is in direct correlation to issues with myself and what I was doing. I will not go into detail about them because in my mind they are the most insignificant part of my past. I am straight, but have had endeavors with another straight girl. A year ago, I was more lost than I could even imagine right now. I do not intend to blame my straying on mental capacity or ability, but I will say that as of now, I would never dream of doing the same at this point in my life, nor could I see myself in the future doing so. I had a sexual and emotional partner for 15 months of my life, and through that, most of my soul-searching or "identity crisis" had taken place. This person at the time, I suppose I loved. Now looking back, that person was the love of my life, my bestfriend, my lover and my guidance. I cannot sit here though and pretend that I loved this person as much as I do now, as much as I claimed to have then. My thoughts, my actions and my discipline within myself have sense then dramatically changed and to be put simply, I am nowhere near who I was then, nor do I want to be. The person that I was, confuses me and I do not take trips down memory lane to her often. At the moment, this is all I can think of. It is not much but a start to something, something of which I have no earthly idea, but something.

5/21/12 9:25 pm

So utterly in love with memory of you.  Drift away as my eyes close tight, I must conjure my very most intricate thought of you, and fall into slumber as if you are here. So here's to the change I wish to see in myself. And here's to the joy I hope you find. And here's to the restraining order against my phone in order to not think of you. And here's to the will and power to convince myself this is true. 

Nothing is right.
Nothing is wrong.
How am I supposed to feel something,
When all I am is gone.
My mind is numbing.
I have not eaten in days.
Body shutting down.
I crave your lips.
I want to kiss every square inch of your delectable body.
It was once mine, I want it back.
I no longer want to fight, with anyone, no need to feel myself bend or snap.
My conversations limited.
My thoughts completely consumed by the warmth of your embrace.
My minds traveling
Hearts beating
Both at a repulsive pace.
I need you.
Want you.
Desire to love you.
I just need to tell you my thoughts,
I need to actually feel myself talk.
So many things on my mind.
It's as if no amount of time would be sufficient enough to describe.
All of the lies.
I am a failure.
At least I see myself as one.
I have lost connection with myself.
Terrified to open up to you again
Afraid of losing someone else.
You say it's to soon.
I think it may be to late.
I need you.
I need a conversation.
One where you care about my thoughts,
My artistic abilities, gone. 
I am distraught.
All I ask is that you talk to me.
Not get angry or shut down at conversation
Keep an open mind,
Really listen to what I am saying.
I want to listen to you as well,
But my thoughts are keeping me trapped.
I miss the conversation we lack.
It is all attainable,
Reachable,
Foreseeable..
I need to feel it.
Hear it,
Acknowledge it.