Post title.

                              Things are finally starting to look up. I wonder how long it may take to find a portion of myself. I think all day long, long thoughts, goals with indefinite ending dates, and goals I have reached. I do not need any longer to surround myself with false premise on who I am, what I want or who I want to be. Let me introduce myself. Kelsey Mckenzie Leigh Duncan. I live in an overly-priced neighborhood that, at times, seems to be more of a cult than a living environment. My bedroom walls are an off white covered in photos a few paintings and the rest is actually a tad bleak to my likings. The current state of my bedroom is a tsunami of clothing, trash, school supplies and a few personal items from an old relationship. I sleep with my mother in the guest bedroom across the hall, and my interpretation of why I do this is simple. At nights, I am at my loneliest, usually left to thought I drift off in a range of "could-haves' to should-haves' to would-haves'" Which in my case, are dangerous territory. Things I may mention in this will seem unnecessary but in my opinion are needing to be released and talked about. In the long run, I am aware none of this matters in the least bit. Hell, none of my living matters. I am a space, an object, and a contribution to this planets failure. My English is very weak, and my thoughts sporadic. I do not believe in Religion. I was born to a Catholic father and a Christian mother and have never had beliefs shoved down my throat so I do not intend to shove mine down anyone elses. I will however, express myself and I do believe that Religion is the largest barrier in the world. We can and do get through language barriers, but most cannot find a way to come together through a wall of an invisible man. Moving on, I am an extremely sexual person in nature. I enjoy sex, and I enjoy touching and being touched, although my last two partners have left me extremely unsatisfied as I assume is in direct correlation to issues with myself and what I was doing. I will not go into detail about them because in my mind they are the most insignificant part of my past. I am straight, but have had endeavors with another straight girl. A year ago, I was more lost than I could even imagine right now. I do not intend to blame my straying on mental capacity or ability, but I will say that as of now, I would never dream of doing the same at this point in my life, nor could I see myself in the future doing so. I had a sexual and emotional partner for 15 months of my life, and through that, most of my soul-searching or "identity crisis" had taken place. This person at the time, I suppose I loved. Now looking back, that person was the love of my life, my bestfriend, my lover and my guidance. I cannot sit here though and pretend that I loved this person as much as I do now, as much as I claimed to have then. My thoughts, my actions and my discipline within myself have sense then dramatically changed and to be put simply, I am nowhere near who I was then, nor do I want to be. The person that I was, confuses me and I do not take trips down memory lane to her often. At the moment, this is all I can think of. It is not much but a start to something, something of which I have no earthly idea, but something.

5/21/12 9:25 pm

So utterly in love with memory of you.  Drift away as my eyes close tight, I must conjure my very most intricate thought of you, and fall into slumber as if you are here. So here's to the change I wish to see in myself. And here's to the joy I hope you find. And here's to the restraining order against my phone in order to not think of you. And here's to the will and power to convince myself this is true. 

Nothing is right.
Nothing is wrong.
How am I supposed to feel something,
When all I am is gone.
My mind is numbing.
I have not eaten in days.
Body shutting down.
I crave your lips.
I want to kiss every square inch of your delectable body.
It was once mine, I want it back.
I no longer want to fight, with anyone, no need to feel myself bend or snap.
My conversations limited.
My thoughts completely consumed by the warmth of your embrace.
My minds traveling
Hearts beating
Both at a repulsive pace.
I need you.
Want you.
Desire to love you.
I just need to tell you my thoughts,
I need to actually feel myself talk.
So many things on my mind.
It's as if no amount of time would be sufficient enough to describe.
All of the lies.
I am a failure.
At least I see myself as one.
I have lost connection with myself.
Terrified to open up to you again
Afraid of losing someone else.
You say it's to soon.
I think it may be to late.
I need you.
I need a conversation.
One where you care about my thoughts,
My artistic abilities, gone. 
I am distraught.
All I ask is that you talk to me.
Not get angry or shut down at conversation
Keep an open mind,
Really listen to what I am saying.
I want to listen to you as well,
But my thoughts are keeping me trapped.
I miss the conversation we lack.
It is all attainable,
Reachable,
Foreseeable..
I need to feel it.
Hear it,
Acknowledge it.

How does one fuck up ones life so much, in so little time?
That's become my latest game.
That is, until you brought me back.
So back, it hurt to realize what I had done.
To you, to us. To myself.
I want to feel you gliding down my body.
Your rough, warm skin. Barely grazing mine.
I want to feel your warm, moist tongue.
Whisper in my ear.
Tell me I am alright.
Lie to me.
In thinking of all of this,
My mind returns to one thought.
Her.
Manipulation at it's finest.
You say you cannot be manipulated.
Oh, but you are.
'Keep calm and fuck the same sex.'
Bullshit, she will come for you.
And I will destroy her. Everything she has.
I don't care if she is weak. She has no idea what weak is.
I am the perfect example of such weakness.
But, I am strong. For I will destroy anything that blocks my path.
I return to you, Slowly counting my breaths.
I can almost feel you,
taste you..
i want you..
i want me. i want us. i want happiness and joy.
most of all, i just want my head.

Rage. To anonymous.

You can sit behind that screen,
Laugh, make as much fun as you want of me.
I'm supposed to be the one to tell you you're wrong,
I'm supposed to set an example.
I know you think you're better than me,
You've proven your thoughts time and time again,
How are you not exhausted?
Does this not wear you out?
Consistently talking shit,
Hiding, still you expect me to bow down?
Have I not proven myself to you?
If not, how the hell am I supposed to?
No, this isn't a poem.
It's a rage letter to you,
You know who you are,
I may not, but I'm not the one who has to go to sleep knowing I've hurt someone.
I'm so busy being angry, I have no time to enjoy my life,
Enjoy the things I know I may be good at,
Yes, I AM good at poetry,
And I only say this because every single damn word has meaning.
Yet, seeing your posts,
You remind me of a puppet on a string.
Bowing down to society and being just plain mean.
People would look up to some of you,
But why would anyone want to become what you are?
I sure as hell know who I am, and it's very far from you.

Anger pulses through my veins
I have no time to react, 
Only to snap. Quickly fighting back.
Defense on high.
My mood is altered
My thoughts diluted.
Mind hazy.
I realize what I do.
Who I hurt and how I do.
Yet, none of it seems to matter.
Only a short time until my emotions shatter.
Stuck in a deep abyss.
Grasping, Reaching, Barely breathing- for that one moment of bliss.
My family set me up for a disaster, I didn't ask for any of this.
This barely being of a poetic form.
Lately I haven't written, Haven't had words to describe my life.
Only now do I decide it's time to write.
These words don't mean anything to you.
Unless you know me, Which I highly doubt you do.
I'd like to see you attempt to reach me, But which one of you would make a first move?
I dare you, barely time to lose.

One pill, two pill, three pill, four.
Three swallowed as the last hits the floor.
Addiction is a bitch, Catches you when you least expect it.
Grabs you by the neck, pulls you to accept it.
Fighting back is the only way to survive,
Doubting every truth, covering it with a lie.

Strings attached,
Your body a match,
Light it, Ignite it,
Watch it catch.
See the rage, see the flames
Watch the ash as it rains.
Pull me down, Hold me tight
Struggle, Put up a fight.
Slowing down, Crashing hard-
Hit the ground, flames holding tight.
Soul and mind, left to burn,
stomach and emotions, left to churn-
all day and all night.

Societys depths.

Stolen of an innocence,
Labeled by belligerence,
Marked by redemption,
As though I might be seeking attention.
You put a label to my face,
Pin my body to the wall,
Watch me struggle to be accepted by you all.
Although I quit years ago,
Trying to blend in with this world you know,
Stupidity seems to be the cycling flow.
Observe your thoughts,
Watch your moves,
Read your minds,
Watch you chose.
You set us up for rejection,
To watch us seek acceptance,
I'm sorry it has not fully worked this way,
Only a few truly live today.
Taught to march,
Not to sway,
In a line, you expect us to stay.


"Society is like an airplane. Only a few know when it is going to crash. And usually, the ones who knew, are the rejected of us all."
- Kelsey McKenzie Leigh Duncan

Where i'm from

I am from a picture perfect mess,
smiles as fake as a so-called private life.
I am from a tree of past and present addictions,
parents the nearest strand to sanity.
I am from shared secrets,
laughter and sorrow seeming to be the unbreakable chain.

I am from sarcasm,
born to be raised,
I am from sweet dirt streams,
Mud and water the same.
I am from thick blood,
bonds not meant to break.

I am from a stretched and worn tree,
where history tends to be repetitive,
I am from a town whose population seems to be discredited.
although, most decided to settle to be subtle with it.
I am from a family of past junkies, believers, dreamers, and outspoken speakers,
all living together as if You would leap to dream with Us.