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                              Things are finally starting to look up. I wonder how long it may take to find a portion of myself. I think all day long, long thoughts, goals with indefinite ending dates, and goals I have reached. I do not need any longer to surround myself with false premise on who I am, what I want or who I want to be. Let me introduce myself. Kelsey Mckenzie Leigh Duncan. I live in an overly-priced neighborhood that, at times, seems to be more of a cult than a living environment. My bedroom walls are an off white covered in photos a few paintings and the rest is actually a tad bleak to my likings. The current state of my bedroom is a tsunami of clothing, trash, school supplies and a few personal items from an old relationship. I sleep with my mother in the guest bedroom across the hall, and my interpretation of why I do this is simple. At nights, I am at my loneliest, usually left to thought I drift off in a range of "could-haves' to should-haves' to would-haves'" Which in my case, are dangerous territory. Things I may mention in this will seem unnecessary but in my opinion are needing to be released and talked about. In the long run, I am aware none of this matters in the least bit. Hell, none of my living matters. I am a space, an object, and a contribution to this planets failure. My English is very weak, and my thoughts sporadic. I do not believe in Religion. I was born to a Catholic father and a Christian mother and have never had beliefs shoved down my throat so I do not intend to shove mine down anyone elses. I will however, express myself and I do believe that Religion is the largest barrier in the world. We can and do get through language barriers, but most cannot find a way to come together through a wall of an invisible man. Moving on, I am an extremely sexual person in nature. I enjoy sex, and I enjoy touching and being touched, although my last two partners have left me extremely unsatisfied as I assume is in direct correlation to issues with myself and what I was doing. I will not go into detail about them because in my mind they are the most insignificant part of my past. I am straight, but have had endeavors with another straight girl. A year ago, I was more lost than I could even imagine right now. I do not intend to blame my straying on mental capacity or ability, but I will say that as of now, I would never dream of doing the same at this point in my life, nor could I see myself in the future doing so. I had a sexual and emotional partner for 15 months of my life, and through that, most of my soul-searching or "identity crisis" had taken place. This person at the time, I suppose I loved. Now looking back, that person was the love of my life, my bestfriend, my lover and my guidance. I cannot sit here though and pretend that I loved this person as much as I do now, as much as I claimed to have then. My thoughts, my actions and my discipline within myself have sense then dramatically changed and to be put simply, I am nowhere near who I was then, nor do I want to be. The person that I was, confuses me and I do not take trips down memory lane to her often. At the moment, this is all I can think of. It is not much but a start to something, something of which I have no earthly idea, but something.